(Other working titles included “Sherds Are Forever,” “From Antiochia with Love,” and “The Man with the Golden Trowel”)
I step off the helicopter, taking in the sights and sounds of the private jungle island. I make my way into the secret base inside of the volcano, strolling past laser traps, circular saws, and tanks full of shark-sized piranhas and piranha-sized sharks. I step into the boss’s office, sitting down in a chair with a suspiciously trapdoor-shaped square under it, and the interview begins. Dr. Timothevil Howeible sits across from me, stroking a cat snuggled into his lap. “So,” he says to me. “I see you’ve come to apply for the position of my Evil Henchman. This is not an easy position, those blasted MI6 and CIA agents are always trying to bring me in… what do you bring to the table? You’ve listed ‘Archeological Research in Turkey’ on your resume, how will that help to further my plans for world domination?”
“That’s a very good question,” I reply. “Let me tell you. Before working at the Antiochia ad Cragum site, I had never had any formal archeology training. However, being thrown directly into the fire was a fantastic way for me to quickly pick up on archeological methods. The way I see it, archeology is not just about finding things in the ground, it’s about scientifically putting those things together in a historical context to build an estimation of what the past looked like. At one point, my unit was a maze of walls stacked on top of one another, and me and my group had to use our intuition and knowledge of Ancient Roman life to figure out why certain walls were placed in certain ways to see how our unit fit into the context of the house we were excavating. I feel like this kind of problem solving was something I only could have learned by being in the field. My work at Antiochia helped me become better at learning on the fly, which is an extremely valuable skill for any Evil Henchman to have, considering the high turnover rates at the position, not to mention the vast number of Diabolical Schemes we have to learn every week.”
Dr. Howeible strokes his chin in a sinister manner. “Fascinating,” he says, wickedly. “I can see you certainly have the adaptability required for the position… but as my Evil Henchman, I will require you to get into all sorts of fist fights, car chases, and the like. Are you prepared for those physical rigors?”
“Of course,” I answer. “My work at Antiochia was some of the toughest work I’ve ever done, both physically and mentally. There were certainly times in the first week where I felt that I was not cut out for the work required of me on the site. However, I learned to listen to my mind and my body, taking breaks when I needed them. I soon noticed that I did not need to take breaks all that often, that the sun and the humidity no longer bothered me, and that the days were flying by as I began to truly enjoy the work I was doing. I stuck with the work, even though it was hard, and I felt that I was rewarded for it. And if I can move a wheelbarrow of dirt, I certainly can move the bodies of a few spies for you. I think that sort of resilience puts me far above your average Evil Henchman.”
Dr. Howeible slowly pets the cat on his lap, lost in thought. “Adaptable AND resilient…” he muses to himself devilishly. “I may have use for you yet. However, I still have some concerns. My Evil Schemes will take me all over the world, and as my Henchman, you would cross paths with many different peoples and cultures. Surely your archeological experience did not prepare you for that?”
I shake my head. “Quite the opposite, in fact. While going straight from America to living in Turkey for a month was certainly a culture shock, I was able to adjust. It is a skill to live as a guest in a foreign country, one that involves a lot of quiet observation and humility. For one, Turkish people are incredibly welcoming and passionate about their country and culture, and approach with a kindness that I would frankly be suspicious of in America. However, I learned to respond in kind, and have had nothing but wonderful experiences with Turkish workers, students, and professors on the dig site, and even strangers on the street. Eventually, I grew used to living in a country where everything is not catered towards someone from my cultural upbringing, and was rewarded with a cultural experience I would never find anywhere else in the world. I believe that to be able to conquer the world and form the perfect evil empire, evil geniuses and their henchmen alike must be able to approach other cultures with the expectation of learning from them.”
Dr. Howeible sits back in his evil throne, impressed. “Well, it seems that you have every quality I’m looking for in an Evil Henchman. Just one more thing… how do you feel about taking orders?”
“Oh, I can’t stand it,” I reply. “There was this professor from St. Olaf who wouldn’t stop ordering us around every-” My words are cut off as Dr. Howeible presses a button under his desk, opening the trapdoor below my chair and sending me into a pit of boiling magma. I guess I gave the wrong answer.