Today, I gave in to the tourist trap and bought a leather bracelet with the evil eye on it. It’s staring at me as I write this, and I can’t help thinking that it’s just a little bit badass. I feel pretty dang strong with a cool black cuff around my wrist, and I bought this cheap little bracelet to remind me of how strong I feel here. Turco likes to tell me “Your mind will quit before your body will.” I usually hit him when he says this, but over the course of the month I’ve figured out that he’s probably right. I’m stronger than I think, I’ve learned to push my physical limits, and I’ve learned that they can be pushed pretty far if I can find the right mindset. I’ve learned that the simple decision to think of myself as a powerhouse rather than a helpless damsel can double the amount of dirt I move in a day. I’ve learned that I can lift the big rocks I couldn’t lift on day one. The funny thing is, I don’t know that I’ve gotten that much stronger—a month isn’t enough time to completely reset my physical ability. I’ve simply gained faith in my own strength, and learned that I am a more productive worker when I approach work with a positive mindset in regards to my own abilities.
My new bracelet isn’t just for looks, however. The evil eye is meant to be a protector—supposedly it will ward off evil and keep me safe. I feel powerful in this bracelet, but I also feel safe and helped. This month has been essential to me figuring out how I work, because this month I have learned to accept help. I am strong here, but I am not Wonder Woman. I cannot constantly be the strongest person in the room, but during the first week I was terrified to admit any weakness. I was convinced that the only way to be respected in this workspace, especially as a woman, was to constantly perform strength even when I didn’t feel it. This was tiring both physically and emotionally, and I felt that I was drawing a veil between myself and other students. As the weeks progressed, I let my guard down out of sheer necessity—no one can maintain the illusion of perfection forever. As soon as I did, both my work and my relationships began to improve almost immediately. I let my friends see the part of me that was scared and tired and sad, and they responded with love and reassurances. Then they continued to acknowledge my strength, and it felt so much better to be praised for the entirety of my personality than for a contrived character. Furthermore, my work improved immensely! I’m a total badass, but some rocks are simply too big for me to throw. Instead of wasting time avoiding these rocks, now I call Turco over, he thrusts them over the hill with a primal scream, and we get back to work. I’m focused on the work and then end goal rather than on some image I need to maintain, and as a result I’m a much better archeologist.
I’m glad I gave in to the tourist trap. I’m excited to carry this evil eye back to Olaf with me, because it reminds me that I am strong. It reminds me that I can more than I think, and that the world better get out of my damn way. It also reminds me that it’s okay to rely on protection and help—in fact, I’m a lot stronger when I allow myself to show weakness.
Hadley Evans Nash